I went aboard with my family. However, on our journey, my brother got lost. Since we wanted to find him back, we went to every where we had been to. But we couldn't find him anywhere. So we went to police station for help. And the police asked us to discribe what he looked like. We told the police that he was teenaged, about eighteen years old. And he was very thin, he was weight only fifty kilograms. Also, he was medium height, about 172 centimeters tall. His hair was black and straight. After these discriptions, the police promised that they would try to find him as soon as possible.
And he was... he was weight only fifty kilograms.
回覆刪除我會寫:In addition, he was very thin and only weighed fifty kilograms.
在下覺得描述得有點少呢…
五官、衣著可以多寫點。
(否則就變得像褚那樣了…
這是我看完文章的直覺--
「外面隨便一抓一大把的
那種普通高中男生。」)
如有誤,請不吝嗇指教。
1.Since we wanted to find him back, we went to every where we had been to.
回覆刪除→Since we wanted to find him back, we went everywhere we had been to.
2.So we went to police station for help.
→So we went to a/the police station for help.
3.We told the police that he was teenaged, about eighteen years old.
→We told the police that he was a teenager, and about eighteen years old.(這樣改是個人喜好…)
4.And he was very thin, he was weight only fifty kilograms.
→Besides, he was very thin and only weighed fifty kilograms.
5.After these discriptions, the police...
→After these descriptions, the police...
(以上,淺見…)
we went to every where we had been to
回覆刪除everywhere 應該要連起來
So we went to police station for help
the police station 應該會好一點
然後可以多描述一點他的特徵和穿著
he was medium height怪怪滴
回覆刪除描述不太夠....
we went to "every where" we had been to
回覆刪除應該是everywhere
可以再多一點敘述
要他那時穿什麼...之類的
=^=
啦啦啦^_^
回覆刪除歡樂的comment時間到囉!
我也覺得描述人物部分少了點0_0
可以多描述他的穿著、身上的配件行頭之類的~
Since we wanted to find him back, we went to every where we had been to.
回覆刪除這句went to的to應該要去掉哦
~~~~~~~~~:D